Jojo’s Bizarre Survival Guide

hisuiconAfter reading 100 volumes of Jojo’s Bizarre Adventure I have had a divine epiphany on true survival strategy. The world of Jojo’s Bizarre Adventure is a hash one with minor characters and NPCs dying left and right and even major characters being no stranger to the call of the reaper. Despite the story taking place in over a century’s time span and in multiple parallel worlds there are a few universal tips that transcend everything. If for some reason you find yourself trapped in the world of Jojo’s (surely after someone has used their Stand power on you) I have 5 handy rules to keep you alive despite all odds.

hisuiconRule #1: Vehicles are death traps

Riding on anything more complicated than a bicycle is riding on a deathtrap. Getting into boats, planes, carriages, automobiles, or any other sort of mechanical conveyance is asking to be attacked by supernatural forces bent of your painful and messy annihilation. The god of the Jojo’s world hates all travelers and wishes them to pay for their sins. If you travel on foot or on an animal you are not guaranteed safety but you are not destined to be attacked as well.

hisuiconRule #2: NEVER be the cool guy with an equally cool power who is 2nd in command

No one is safe in Jojo’s Bizarre Adventure. Even the main characters have a nasty habit of dying spectacularly. But if you are the cool sidekick to the protagonist with an awesome power you are marked for death. It should be noted that both of these have to be true to raise the sure death flag. A super awesome sidekick with no powers or a dork with awesome power still has a chance to live but the second you stand out in both categories your goose is cooked. The Zeppeli bloodline somehow continues to survive despite being constantly hit by this rule.

hisuiconRule #3: You must be a Trivia Master

Everyone who counts is the master of several different branches of science including medicine, chemistry, physics, mathematics, and engineering as well as being well versed in history, literature, art, and philosophy. You must know the secret of the golden ratio, the effects of different elevations of the human body, how active volcano’s work, religious apocrypha, and know the details of the reign of Mary Queen of Scots. If you are not the undisputed winner of trivia night at your local bar you are going to die the first time your meet anyone with an unusual power. You can only defeat any enemy of your command of esoteric knowledge is greater than your opponents.

hisuiconRule #4: Guns don’t kill people (but they do set you up to be neatly murdered)

No one important is ever shot to death. People fire guns all the time and people are seriously injured by guns but it is never the initial volley that kills any named character. Dodging gun fire merely sets you up to be rended into pieces by someones’ more subtle mystical power. While you are dodging the bullets you miss the grander trap you are falling into. Now bullets sometimes DO kill people. But usually what happens is you THINK you dodge the bullet and then someones power makes sure that you would have learned to pay more attention if there was not a slug ripping through you vital organs.

hisuiconRule #5: A justice-loving heart is the most powerful weapon of all.

The ability to stop time, jump through dimensions, control gravity and fate, or regenerate any amount of damage in an instant are nothing to the power heart that believes in what is right. That clearly points to one individual being the most powerful person in the Jojo’s multiverse:


3 thoughts on “Jojo’s Bizarre Survival Guide

  1. VF5SS says:

    You forgot “If you are an animal, something horrific if going to happen to you” and “as long as you are an all powerful super dude you can dress however you want.” :3

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